He just wasn't that into me.

Let me start this by saying that my intention is not to spend my time bashing my Ex or our past relationship. I am not going to reveal the innermost details of the time we spent together. I told him that I was saving all the juicy moments for the book so he had better not piss me off...haha. Seriously, it is truly because that is no one's business but ours. I am sure some events and certainly some emotions will come out because they have shaped the new direction my life has taken. Anyone who reads this needs to keep in mind that obviously there is subjectivity when emotions are involved so at times it may seem that there is blame placed, but it takes 2 people to create and sustain a relationship and it takes 2 to let it slip away.

September was our 4th anniversary. We had some rough patches in our relationship and as that date approached, I was so glad we had made it through those times. I thought we were finally on the right track and by the time the date had arrived my feelings were affirmed. It was short lived however. Just 2 weeks after our anniversary I felt things changing. I felt him pulling away from me and I couldn't understand why. Part of me said I was just imagining things. He had made me feel so loved and wanted that I had to be reading into things. I was so busy at work because the Walks were approaching and I was under stress and on top of all that I had been experiencing alternating pain, tingling, and numbness in my right side. No time to see a doctor and no time to focus on the nagging feeling that was growing inside of me, I just looked forward to when I could breathe again. October 12th was when I could come up for air, just in time to look forward to the wedding and my first of many vacations.

There was one week between my last Walk and the wedding and it was one of the most stress free times I had all year. I was making plans and enjoying my time home with my kitties and the person I loved more than anyone. He will never know the things I thought that week or the plans I saw in my head, but all that while I still had this nagging feeling. I pushed it aside. I had time to relax and if I was less stressed than maybe the environment would be less stressed. But then the day of the wedding came and it was like a switch had been flipped. From the moment he woke up, he was different. We ran errands and the man that used to walk beside me and hold my hand walked 10 feet in front of me, occassionally turning to see if I was still there. The man that would smile and give me a kiss and call me baby was hardly seeing me at all. I chalked it up to being preoccupied. I just had to wait... in 2 weeks we would be in Jamaica... things would get better once we spent time together.

It got worse at the wedding. He enjoyed being in the wedding party, being the best man. He will never admit it, but it was hard too. He was happy for his best friend, the only person he could ever consider family without actually being related, but I think he felt like he was loosing him too. He was so caught up in the day and his friend's life I didn't exist anymore. I sat watching the ceremony and at one point the groom held his bride's head in his hands and kissed her forehead. In that moment, I knew that the person I loved didn't love me that way... not anymore and maybe never had.

The rest of the night didn't exist for me and the days that followed left me feeling more cold and alone than ever... or so I thought. Three days after the wedding, he didn't come home from work. He worked the night shift and I was worried so I called him. I should have known something was wrong when he told me were he was and where he had slept. He had driven a half hour passed our home to fall asleep at a friend's place. I guess he didn't know how to come home because he didn't know how to tell me.

When he walked through the door, he gave me an unemotional peck on the lips, crawled into bed and told me he wasn't going to Jamaica. I broke. That was what I had been holding out for... that time together so we could find each other again. I cried, I stormed, and I yelled that if he didn't go to Jamaica I was leaving him. The joke was on me because that was what he wanted. When I pressed him to tell me what was going on, he said those words, "I don't think we are heading in a positive direction." Did he love me? Nodding and "yes". Did he like me? Emphatic nodding and "a lot". Was he in love with me? Silence... then eventually "I don't think so".